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the time flies... [05 Dec 2012|08:43pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I haven't written on here in a long time but I thought I would share some of my life changes because there have been so many. Since I last posted I had a difficult falling out with one of my best friends of 7 years and haven’t spoken to her since,I quit my well paying job to go to grad school, then I quit grad school due to the program being different than I expected; I joined a band, I got engaged, I became a receptionist for a law firm, I was downsized and lost my receptionist job and two weeks later got a great new job as a job coach for those with disabilities and I got married. Life is hectic and every day I have something to do beyond work. I volunteer as a tutor, I started to take piano and voice lessons again and I have been making all my meals at home instead of going out and trying to get exercise in my schedule. Also, most every weekend my band has a show. 

It is mind boggling how busy life has become but for the most part I am happy. I still have a lot of goals I want to accomplish but now I have less and less time outside of work to do so. I am basically the only job coach with my office and so I have been inundated with all of the clients and it is more than a fulltime job keeping up with everyone. I wouldn't mind working the overtime if I was being paid for it, but I am not at this point. So I am doing a lot of extra work without pay because I care about the outcomes for the clients I work for. So I like the work but there is some to be desired as far as financial security.

Married life is just like regular life. I love my husband and to be honest, I never thought I would meet someone worth marrying. But he was. We have two wonderful furry children and are in no rush to have real ones.He works and goes to school full time and so he is very busy as well. We work well as a team. He likes to cook and I like to eat. He is calm when I am frustrated and I am organized when he is messy. He pushes me to be a better person and reminds me of who I truly am. A part of me will always feel like that high schooler who had her whole life ahead of her, but when I think of those days being over and moving forward it makes me sad. I wish my whole life was still ahead of me. Granted a lot of it still is, but with each passing year it seems you lose some energy and some drive toward those dreams you once had. I will never stop dreaming but it will never be as easy as when I was in high school. Everything has a price and that price is usually something much more than you currently can pay. It is an uphill battle and I have to take a break every once in a while so I don’t hurt myself climbing but I will get to the top. I am just not sure what is at the top for me. I thought it was teaching in my own classroom, but I am trying to keep my options open. I don’t want to write that dream off, but now I know that if it doesn’t happen I can be successful and happy in other ways. And in a way that is half the battle, being happy with yourself no matter the outcome. I can’t say I feel that way everyday, but that is why I married a man who reminds me see the good in the world and in our lives.  

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Belong [19 Feb 2010|06:20pm]

Most of the time I don’t want to think and sit in silence and wonder what I am. If I stop to ponder my purpose I won’t find much but disappointment in myself. How does one find who they are and be courageous enough to be that person and live that way? Where do you find a world to live in? People to share it with? I have not found this in its entirety. I wonder if anyone does. I hope someone does. It takes days like this, gorgeous, sunny days that beckon you to bask in the sun and listen to the trees and the crisp leaves beneath your canvas covered feet to know that where you are is not where you belong. Four cold walls and emotionless images that contain strenuous words and tones that strangle any carefree spirit. Where is there left to live like we were intended to thrive? Not by meaningless thoughts and actions but by helping hands and inventive minds. Show me. I will break these chains for it if I had the strength and the tools. Show me and I will. I want to thrive and laugh and sing and dive and love, and be loved. My voice calls out for this, whether you can hear it or not. My eyes yearn to see this world, whether you can see me or not. All of me does. Every moment. Every Breath. Every beat. Until there is none.

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[13 Feb 2010|03:48pm]
I'm home for a few days to visit my father in the hospital. He is ok, but he had a scary episode with his heart. They still have not figured out what caused his heartbeat to go up to 260 beats per minute. He wasn't working out or anything. He had a procedure where they looked at his arteries too see if they were clogged and they didn't find anything unusual. A specialist is going to see him on Monday and so he has to stay in the hospital until them. I feel kind of bad because I took off work to come down and see him. Also, I was suppose to present at this heart for Florida summit tomorrow but Ill be home visiting with him still. They understood, but I made a ppt and everything and was excited to go. O well, things happen. 

Bryan and I will be heading back to Tallahassee on Tuesday because I have a important conference call on Wednesday that im not looking forward to, but have to do.

I never knew my life would have so many conference calls and so little teaching and fun. I have to do something about it. At-least now I have my best-friend.
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oy vey! [24 Oct 2009|11:03pm]
So I haven't posted anything in a while. My life has been pretty crazy with my new job. Im finally slowing down at work, but I think its just the calm before the storm. Ive had a pretty good weekend. I went to the greek food festival yesterday with Charlotte and some of her friends and had way too many desserts! Today I got up at 10, walked the dog, put up the halloween decertions yet again and  went to my coworkers bday party. I really wanted to get out tonight but didnt have anyone to hang with and didn't feel like sitting alone in a coffee house or something.

I wish I could see my family sooner than thanksgiving.
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Life Update [02 Aug 2009|02:17pm]

I’m living in Tallahassee again and I started my job as a Program Specialist of Health Sciences and Human Services for the Career and Adult Education division of the Florida Department of Education. And yes, it’s as complicated as it sounds. I started last Monday and I am still getting used to all the acronyms, information, people and documents to know and I already have a conference in Orlando next week where Ill be meeting more people and learning more things!

Anyway, right now I’m just being lazy at home, drinking coffee and watching Gilmore girls. Yesterday I was literally shopping all day for new clothes and I got a lot of great deals. Then when I was at Ross I stumbled across an old friend and we got to talking. Charlotte is a friend of Mary’s and she actually went to Italy with me but we didn’t hang out much when we were there. She is very cool, smart and funny and so I’m hopping I might have a good friend in the works here. Bryan came up last Saturday and stayed until Friday when he left to see his friend off. Susan helped move me up and then stayed until last Saturday and we had a blast. I miss her a lot. So this weekend is really the first time I’ve been really alone in my new house. It’s ok, but I can't wait for Bryan to be home. Although we haven't been living together long or even consistently we have been having a good time. We really only had a little tiff the first day over stupid stuff and then we were fine. We fight more when were apart actually.

I’m not sure what I’m going to end up doing today. I do have some little things to look over like my insurance and benefits from work and I need to buy a shoe rack and I might go by BEALLS or Marshalls and see what they have in the way of wall art.Also, I need to cut out my business cards that a fellow coworker helped me make for the conference.

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My life is pretty uneventful [07 Apr 2009|11:33am]
[ mood | bored ]

Bryan has been in Pennsylvania since Thursday and I am really really missing him. It’s weird because I’m used to seeing him every day, but now I don’t see him ever and I hardly get to talk to him. I have to fill my time with other things and other people of which there are too few. This past weekend I hung out with Linda, her friend Ryan and Leigh on Friday. Then I went to ren fest with Linda and her current guy. It was ok, but I would have had a lot more fun with sue or Bryan there because although Linda and I did hang out for a bit we didn’t get to like go off on our own and have adventures. O well, what are you going to do. Yesterday was the first day back at mad science. I am only going to be teaching Monday and Tuesday which leaves Wednesday-Friday to substitute I suppose. I am going back to mediera beach elem to sub for Coach Jurscick for three days because he has to go into surgery and the coaches there wanted me to sub again. That makes me feel good, like I have the acceptance of being a somewhat good teacher or substitute somewhere.  The only other things I am doing is looking for jobs, not doing the dishes as much as I should and singing at church which I am getting a little bored of because the pieces are so simple. If I stop being challenged I usually move onto something else. I suppose I will sing for a while though because I don’t have anything else to do. Today I have my first day at plumb elem. teaching mad science. Yesterday I taught at tarpon spring fundamental and the kids were really great. We got in late but they followed directions like pros and we actually got out of the class early. I didn’t get to do everything I wanted to but that’s the nature of the first day. I’ve got to go to my dad’s to make a candle out of a potato so I’m going to head out.

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Everyday brings something new [24 Mar 2009|11:51am]
[ mood | calm ]

I’m watching “Love Actually” and sitting around my house reading and replying to emails. Yesterday I volunteered at Enterprise village for the first day. It was really fun. I guess I’m going to work in the st.petersburg times, which is one of the more challenging businesses. We made a newspaper and everything and I had a great group of kids. I had a interview today for a preschool referral business where I would basically be a on call preschool teacher/caregiver and ill know more about if I have the job next week. If I do have the job my life will be a lot more hectic. Especially because today I am going to st.pete to train with Danny to do birthday parties so I will work on the weekends as well. I feel like I am doing well. I am having fun. I want to get my own place but I’m still not sure if I’d be able to afford it. If I can’t then I will just be saving up money while I’m with my mom. I want a more stable schedule, but you can’t always get what you want. Some days I really do want to live on my own and be able to have everything my way, but then I get scared of not making rent, being broke and such. Busting my butt to make money that just goes to a ridiculously high rent and groceries is not a thing that would make me happy or content. But being able to have a living room of my own, a bedroom that I only sleep in and a kitchen that has all my food and no moths or bugs is what I do want. And if I am working all the time it would be nice to have someplace of my own to come home to. I do want to live with Bryan from time to time but he is afraid that I would want everything my way and he wouldn’t be able to do anything. Well, it’s not true but yes, I do want to have a clean and serene house. A creative house, a bright house and a house where I can have people over, maybe even have dinner parties. A place to be proud of.

I’ll think about it more in the coming days. I mean, all my friends are living on their own. I miss living on my own like when I was in college. I do want to live with Bryan though. I can see myself with him for a long time. But what do I know. We’ve been together for 9 months, which is a long time for me. It could mean something.

What I want:

1)      Pride in my home

2)      New friends

3)      A job where I’m making a positive difference in someone’s life

4)      To be content in my life

5)      To laugh everyday

6)      To have Susan home

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I dont mind being busy.... yet. [20 Mar 2009|11:28am]

I’m not super busy, but I am busy enough. Next week is going to be crazy but I do like being busy to a certain extent. Today I volunteered but only for an hour because then I got a call from Jeff saying he wondered if I wanted to observe a birthday party and I said yes! Its at 1 and I need to be there at 12:45, so I cut volunteering short. Next week I have scheduled to take a class on Monday and Wednesday from 4-7 pm about Crisis prevention. But on Monday I will be volunteering with enterprise village until around 1:30 and then I will be heading home and then going to Dunedin for the class and then after class I will be heading to choir practice. Then on Tuesday I have an interview with a preschool day care center that I am excited about. Then Wednesday I don’t have much, possibly training for mad science and then I have the class again from 4-7 and then I have to get to choir practice once again. I think the class will be worth the hassle though, and at the very least it will look good on my resume.

I know I do a lot, but its really just hard because my schedule is so weird and everything I want to do is during the week. But I should be training to do birthday parties soon and then ill have some work on the weekends too. I know once everything is in motion I will be overwhelmed but o well, that’s what im used to. I like chilling out, but my natural state is being busy and active. How else should one live life?

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one less hour [08 Mar 2009|06:33am]

So today I am singing in the praise team for my team for the first time. I had to get up early to go in at 7 to do the sound check and so I’m just kind of killing time now until I have to be there. This week has held a lot of different emotions. I have been sad, accomplished, angry and confused. Right now I suppose I have just decided once more to keep going on despite how I feel. I’m trying to be positive and I am researching more on the subject of magnets because I feel as if the lesson that is laid out for me to do with mad science is lacking. If there is something I hate, its repeating the same information over and over again in a lesson because I have no other information. Im not going to let this happen. Also I cannot allow my children to be bored. Especially when next week is there last week. Well,  I suppose I will get going now. Im glad im singing again. It will be nice to be on stage again.

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Grim News [03 Mar 2009|12:08pm]
Its finally happened in my county, a freeze of all positions until june. I guess im going to have to just keep trecking along and look at private schools more diligently. Its going to be hard too not let my spirit get crushed.
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am I a teacher? [26 Feb 2009|09:47am]
Well, I am a lucky person. I am substituting for mrs. collins tomorrow but im not going to have to do much because she has an intern . On top of that I will get to be back at my school, old memories. Hopefully Ill get to see some of my old kids. I don't know if Ill remember their names, but my heart will remember their faces. Thinking back, I know I want to teach. Looking forward I am not so sure.
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my day [24 Feb 2009|10:01am]
Today is going to be a pretty busy day. Right now im just hanging out watching funny face and eating breakfast but soon I need to take my check tot he bank and head to st.pete for my class at 2:20. Then I have to pack up quick so I can bring my kit to joanna who is teaching my class for me tomorrow. Then I have to rush home so bryan and I can meet my mom, sister and her friends  downtown for mardi gras. It will be busy, but I think it will be fun.
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How do we know who we are? [22 Feb 2009|08:46am]

I wish I could see a preview of my life int he theatres so I had some idea what it is about. Somedays I am driven and confident and sure I know what I want to do and then the next day I am so confused. I guess thats life.

Life isn’t a movie. I don't even know if I want it to be a movie... because you don't know what happens after the ending.  I am not what I have or what I know or who I know or what I want or who wants me or where I live and this is why I feel like im nothing. No that im not worth anything because I feel like I deserve a lot, but that I am empty. That I am a shell that has learned how to move and talk and emulate Tracy, but its not me. Where did I go? This person goes through the motions of what Tracy would want, but its not me. Its who I am suppose to be. Its not me. Who am I? Where did I go? Did I leave when susan left for the first time? When I realized that love was a fairytale? That the person I wanted doesn’t exist and so I should settle? It didn’t happen all at once. That’s why I didn’t notice. Being all alone at fsu was part of it I know. I truly lost myself.

I hope I come back. I wonder if it’s a person who will bring it back. Or if I have to be alone to do it.  A person doesn’t make who I am… but it might remind of me of who I want to be. Encourage me to be better, smarter, braver. Push me.

I wonder everyday.

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Start your places! [02 Feb 2009|11:24am]
[ mood | crazy ]

I am starting my very crazy life today. I have my first day with mad scientist at Lake. St. George elem. today teaching a class on nutrition. I won't be teaching today but I will be observing the instructor in preparation for teaching on wednesday. Ill observe him today and tomorrow and start teaching on wednesday. I am super dupper nervous but I think it will be ok. On top of that i still have Target from like 5 to close, but I did quit officially yesterday and I feel good about it. I am going to still try to substitute on fridays and see how that goes. I also have an appointment with ymca on wednesday for a position, but im not sure if it will fit into my schedule. I want to cancel because I don't want to waste their time but I guess in case another position opens there its good to have my face in their memory.

Anyway.... between all of this im going to try to get sleep, see my man and have some down time. But I might not have this balance act down for a while so wish me luck!

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Bored and watching full house [13 Jun 2008|03:26pm]
No wonder I think that everything is always going to turn out ok after a few days or weeks. Sitcoms and movies have kind of programmed most of us to think that we will have problems but magically or conveniently they will be solved within a half hour to 2 hours. Granted, in some movies the problems are never solved and those are the ones I like the most. But we watch these episodes and stories to escape from our long, arduous journey in life, but after its done we start to dream and wonder if life could be like that. And if it was like that would it be worth living? Im not sure. I watch full house and I am kind of sickened by how everything turns out ok, no one is upset and the laugh track keeps everyones spirits up. This is not really life and I don't want it to be. But every once and a while I wish my life could just have a small portion of the magic that is in books, tv shows and movies. I hope I get a love, friends and family who will be there for me always and eventually everything will turn out ok. I think it will. Right now my life is a lot of sitting around doing nothing interrupted by interesting people and somewhat intriguing men.

I would be a super hero if my life was a tv show anyway.
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Unconventional body = womanly body? [11 Jun 2008|05:18pm]
    How come when people talk about jlo and tyra they say they have a womanly body but also an unconventional body? Eh, and why are "minority" woman "allowed"  to have curves and white woman are not? How can a womanly body be unconventional? The word conventional alone denotes a meaning and conotation of usual, traditional and common but this womanly figure is uncommon to most women? Most women have "curves" because being 90 pounds doesn't do well when carrying a baby and being 90-110 pounds and then putting fake tits in just proves the point more that those women are the unconventioanl ones! Probably less than 1% of woman have a small waist and c cup breasts! It just doesnt happen!
So these woman ,who are suppose to be our role models body wise, got their bodies with starving, surgery and sickness and their only selfesteem lies in how others perceive them. I feel horrible for these women, but more so I feel horrible for the millions of young girls in the world who have been taught to think they should look this way and if they don't they are unconventional, a freak, or fat.
And no I do not approve of the opposite extreme either, obesity, because I believe in being healthy and having a balance between beauty, intelligence, muscle and mind.
Who made being a waif conventional anyway? No offense to those who are small just because god made you that way. We are all beautiful in how we naturally are, but the problem is we don't live in a natural way and so finding our balance can be hard.
I think I have finally found mine.I pray for you to find yours if you are seeking it.

Love and be loved.
Talk to strangers and go outside!
The sun is your friend and so am I.
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I am a bitch [09 Jun 2008|04:18pm]
Because I have been so negative lately I need something to say that is positive and uplifting each morning...

Any suggestions?
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love [13 May 2008|12:40am]
On almost every channel on tv there is something about love and how great and easy it is. I wonder sometimes if it is like that for anyone or if its something we just made up. Love has never and I mean NEVER been easy for me. Relationships have NEVER been uncomplicated or easy for me. Am I different than everyone else or is this how it is I just don't bend over and take it like others?

God it sucks and I hurt.
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for those who might care [20 Mar 2008|11:58am]
I have a boyfriend. His name is Anthony. We listen to all the same music, like the same movies and plus, he is a great guy who treats me like ive always wanted to be treated. Its pretty awesome, except he lives in daytona. Here goes another long distance relationship. Atleast this time I think that both teammates are playing towards the final game. Yeah, check out that metaphor! haha  

That is all
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Writer's Block: The Last Time I Surprised Someone Else [21 Feb 2008|12:22pm]
When was the last time you surprised someone else?
 I actually surprised myself lately with how much I enjoy teaching and the fact that I actually like someone again.
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