nazispleazdie (nazispleazdie) wrote,

How do we know who we are?

I wish I could see a preview of my life int he theatres so I had some idea what it is about. Somedays I am driven and confident and sure I know what I want to do and then the next day I am so confused. I guess thats life.

Life isn’t a movie. I don't even know if I want it to be a movie... because you don't know what happens after the ending.  I am not what I have or what I know or who I know or what I want or who wants me or where I live and this is why I feel like im nothing. No that im not worth anything because I feel like I deserve a lot, but that I am empty. That I am a shell that has learned how to move and talk and emulate Tracy, but its not me. Where did I go? This person goes through the motions of what Tracy would want, but its not me. Its who I am suppose to be. Its not me. Who am I? Where did I go? Did I leave when susan left for the first time? When I realized that love was a fairytale? That the person I wanted doesn’t exist and so I should settle? It didn’t happen all at once. That’s why I didn’t notice. Being all alone at fsu was part of it I know. I truly lost myself.

I hope I come back. I wonder if it’s a person who will bring it back. Or if I have to be alone to do it.  A person doesn’t make who I am… but it might remind of me of who I want to be. Encourage me to be better, smarter, braver. Push me.

I wonder everyday.

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